i love accidental penises.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Randomize
