God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
