I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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