my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
