I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize