the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
