Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
