Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
