i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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