there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
