we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
