i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
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