get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
