he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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