the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
