Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
