i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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