Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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