can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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