You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
