sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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