Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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