So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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