im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
