I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I touched a dick in church today
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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