I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
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