Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
