Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
