The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
