I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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