The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Randomize
