i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
there is glitter all over my balls
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