can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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