just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
