Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
