one two three fourrrrnication!
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
