he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize