cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
