Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I can feel your judgement through the phone
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
