I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
