She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize