I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
