Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
The power of my boobs compel you
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
