I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Randomize