i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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