I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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