Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize