Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Holy shit dude........stairs
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
