the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
