just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
