so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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