i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
