OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
