thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
