I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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