I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Princesses don't give blow jobs
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
