I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
My penis needs a shock collar
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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