how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
