I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
There's always time for handjobs
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
