I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
