Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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