yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I accidentally had phone sex last night
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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